


The Cure for Insomnia

by subsonicspeeds



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Violence, gunfights, im really bad at tags, mozzie isn't married with kids just to make everything okay, not too big of a change, operations - Freeform, supportive bf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22372669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subsonicspeeds/pseuds/subsonicspeeds
Summary: Ryad's insomnia was a force to be reckoned with. What was his streak so far? It had to have been nearly a week. Honestly, he had lost track. For most of his life he let it control him, working around it to the best of his abilities. No issues there.That was how he viewed it. The rest of Rainbow? Not so much. With the threat of being terminated from Rainbow, Ryad figures now is the best time as any to fix it. And maybe finally confront some of his other deep rooted issues as well.
Relationships: Max "Mozzie" Goose/Ryad "Jackal" Ramírez Al-Hassar
Comments: 19
Kudos: 95





	1. '39

**Author's Note:**

> _Don't you hear my call though you're many years away?_   
>  _Don't you hear me calling you?_

_Ryad, for the past three years you have served as an excellent operator as a part of Rainbow. You’ve had countless successful missions, and I’m proud to have seen you develop your skills even more throughout the years. However, many of your peers have pointed out something striking, and I believe I have noticed it too._

_In training and live scenarios, you seem quite… sluggish. You seem disoriented, and your reactions are poor, amongst many other issues that add up. You still carry the same passion, though. And I appreciate that. But this is something developed over the past… eighteen months or so? I’ve been aware of your insomnia for years, but only now am I truly seeing the effects of it on your health and performance._

_You’re getting older, and choosing to ignore your problems is only going to be detrimental to you in the long run, if it already hasn’t._

_To get to the point, Ryad, you are at risk of termination from Rainbow. Your performance is dropping to below our expectations. I don’t want to risk losing you, as you’re a valuable asset, but there are standards we must uphold. I would recommend seeing Gustave as soon as you get this, he’s already been informed of many of your ailments. He may be no therapist, but he’s still a doctor, and I believe he would be more than willing to offer his aide to you._

_Best of luck,_

_Harry “Six” Pandey_

* * *

A disgruntled sigh aired throughout the room, breaking the complete silence, before the creaking of a bed finally being released from its weight. That letter had arrived… how long ago now? A week? Seventy-two hours? Putting the paper on the desk that he managed to reach in the pitch black, it covered the clock that he paid no attention to, getting used to the absurd hours it displayed. If he had to guess, he would say it was around four in the morning? _Eh, what about 04:39?_ He had a knack for guessing the time, but still couldn't keep straight how much time had _really_ passed. 

Moving the paper out of the way to peek, he was right on the mark. Whether or not that was something he should be proud of, Ryad didn’t celebrate and exited his room. It was pretty normal for him to start his morning routine in these odd times in the morning. No one seemed to pay much attention to him, if they were even up to notice him. Which… had that even happened? The only person he could even recall running into this early in the morning was Mike, but that was more around five or five-thirty.

Ryad mindlessly made his way through the dark, to get himself to the showers to freshen up. The place was like a true military base in that sense, where the showers were close quarters, with that bare minimum sense of privacy. Taking his white tank off, he threw it on the bench behind him and reached for one of the towels and threw it over the top of the shower. He didn't mind using all this space; it was all his anyways. At the moment, at least. He finished getting undressed, he turned the shower on and let the scalding hot water run over his head.

Normally the intense heat would give him a bit of a jolt of energy to help get through the day. It felt off today, and only tried to lull his eyes to sleep. Leaning forward so his head was pressed up against the wall, he was hoping the burning feeling running down his back would do what it was meant to.

Jolting backwards, suddenly the water was absolutely freezing, causing him to grunt in annoyance. Sighing, Ryad decided to finish his shower with the ice cold water, and quickly got out. Wrapping his towel around his hips, he grabbed his dirty clothes in one hand, and used his other to fix his wet hair, slicking it back to its usual style. He made his way back to his room, having gotten so used to being the only one awake, he didn’t bother to encumber himself with more clothes to carry.

As he made his way past the kitchen, his eyes flicked over to look at the window. Something felt… off. He looked to his hands, and noticed that signature pruney texture on them. Letting out a loud groan of annoyance, he put the pieces together and just got himself to his room as quickly as possible. On his way back, he heard a little shuffling and snickering coming from the kitchen, and turned his head to see someone crouching in front of the fridge, scouring for something in the depths of it. His eyes were too groggy to make out the figure, and at this point, he was too frustrated to really care.

Ryad reached his room and closed the door, getting dressed and drying off his hair with the towel he dragged in with him. He tossed his dirty clothes and towel onto the bed and sat down next to them. Turning his head to the clock again, it read 04:58. Everything seemed to move so slow in Ryad’s life, so when he missed an entire chunk of time, it was needlessly frustrating. Brushing the clothes off onto the floor, he stared up at the ceiling, not even trying to sleep at this point. His day had already begun.

His hands creeped up onto his face, grasping and covering his eyes. Going through all of this, just to be terminated. What would Faisal think? That he’s become such a shell of what he was? Of what he could have been? Ryad gritted his teeth, clenching his hands over his face. He just wanted to scream at this point, thinking back to all of the years that he had tried and tried to improve and figure out the _truth_ behind Faisal. But now he just felt as helpless as he did the day that it happened. Sitting there, holding his brother’s lifeless body in his arms with no hope for the future.

What is he without Rainbow? Another nameless vigilante, chasing shadows that have long since passed? Lying there alone in the dark, he just felt… empty. Nothing could compare to the pain he felt that day. And yet it kept coming back to him, opening up age old wounds that never should have been touched.

After what felt like a lifetime had passed, he took his hands off his face and reached onto the table next to him. His thoughts had consumed him enough for today. He shoved the paper and clock out of the way, blindly searching for his phone. Once he grabbed something that felt just about right, he brought it to his face and unlocked it. The sudden light made him flinch, but he quickly recovered and squinted at the screen, pulling it a bit away now. 05:39.

Opening the call screen, he wasn’t about texting. Especially since it was so easily read and ignored. His contacts list was short, consisting of Elena, Mike, Gilles, and Gustave. And even then, he only talked to them occasionally. Clicking on the contact for Gustave, he stared blankly as it dialed, sighing, before putting it to his ear to listen to the rings.

Much to Ryad’s surprise, he answered after only a few rings. _“What is it?”_ The gruff voice greeted him, causing him to pull away from the phone slightly. The other was loud compared to his own thoughts.

“I didn't expect you to be awake at this hour. Harry wanted me to talk to you.” He kept it brief, not at all for the idea that essentially boiled down to “talking about your problems.” What help would that do him? It'd just send him into more distress.

_“Têtu. Harry had mentioned that a week ago. I'm glad to see you've at least decided to try and help yourself.”_ There wasn't even a tinge of animosity or smugness in his voice. Just genuine interest and a willingness to help. _“Give me half an hour to properly wake up, and then we can talk. Does that sound good?”_

Ryad nodded, before actually verbally agreeing. “Mhm.” Before he could hang up though, Gustave caught him off guard with one more comment.

_“Don't be shy. Come with an open mind, and we'll get to the bottom of this.”_


	2. Play the Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Open up your mind and let me step inside.  
>  Rest your weary head and let your heart decide.  
> _

“While psychology isn't anywhere close to my area of study, Harry has lent me his expertise. I'll try my best, since he's been keeping an eye on you.”

That did not smooth Ryad’s nerves in the slightest. He already was doubting this to begin with, and now he's faced with someone who barely knows what they're doing? A look of annoyance must have grown across his face, because Gustave gave him a quick glare. “I still can help you. Take this seriously, and you'll get the help you need.”

“Alright, alright.” Rubbing his forehead, he finally sat down on the uncomfortable stool Gustave motioned him to. “Where do we start then,  _ doc? _ ”

The doctor sighed, fully prepared for the stubbornness of the older man. “Tell me, what brings you here?”

Ryad’s eye twitched in annoyance, but he knew this was how Gustave would be. If he didn't have so much on the line, he would leave and do his own routine. “Oh you know, I've stubbed my toe and I cannot for the life of me get the pain to go away!” That answer made Gustave snort, but he gave him that… glare. Sighing, he gave the answer. “Harry is concerned about my health. Possibly due to my sleeping issues.”

That clearly pleased the doctor, and he didn't even bother typing that up. He knew the reason, and it confused Ryad as to why he even asked. A lot was left out for sure, but he was still unsure about this whole thing. “Let's focus on that…” Gustave was seemingly lost in thought, trying to conjure something up to ask perhaps. “Has there been anything that helps you to sleep? Perhaps a specific song, mood, or even person at some point?”

The question made him think. He never paid much attention to when he  _ did _ manage to fall asleep. Just that it happened. Why would he, honestly? He was silent for a few minutes, and Gustave was patient with him. There were things that helped him… but how to word it? “I suppose… once my mind is at ease?” Why did that sound terrible once he said it out loud? “It's when nothing haunts me.” Clarifying a bit more, he looked up at him.

Gustave nodded, typing all that up before responding. “And what's haunting you, Ryad?”

* * *

There was no telling how much time had passed, nor how much Ryad had explained. It became so much of a blur that once Gustave had dismissed him, he remained seated in the horrible stool, slouched forward. Slowly, he made his way up, mumbling some thanks to the other. He needed to step outside and recollect himself. Maybe eat some breakfast finally.

Making his way out of the office, Ryad forced himself into the kitchen. There were a few more people around now, and went to go look at his watch, forgetting that he didn't put it on this morning. His path was straight for the freezer, grabbing one of those  _ terrible _ frozen breakfast sandwiches. Tossing it into the microwave, he just put his hands on the counter and stared at it, so focused and entranced by it. That's what it looked like from afar at least.

Apparently someone else caught onto it, and he felt a hand slam on his shoulder, causing him to jolt out of his thoughts. “Chin up, Ryad. It'll be a good day.” He relaxed upon realizing who it was- Mike. 

“I'll try. Thank you.” And the only response he got was a simple “mhm” as he placed a plate in the dishwasher. Mike wasn't as rough of a guy as he loved to display himself as, he cared about the people on Rainbow. A perfect example of tough love.

High pitched beeping made him jump again. Ryad grabbed the piping hot sandwich and threw it onto the plastic bag that once contained it. He went to sit down at the table and put his elbow on the table, resting his head on his hand. All he could do right now was stare at the unappetizing meal. Closing his eyes, he picked it up and forced a bite. It was just as bad as it looked, but he forced it down anyway.

“Hey! Jackal! Mate!” An unmistakably Australian accent called his name, and he sighed and put his sandwich down. And the only one to use their operator names over their real ones. Before Ryad could even turn around, Max was already seated right across from him. Sighing, he looked up at him. “Mind if I finish that off? If ya don't plan on finishin’ it yourself at least.”

Ryad shrugged, and pulled the wrapper and sandwich so it was closer to Max. This guy acted like a kid most of the time, and he just never understood why. “All yours.” And as expected, he started chowing down on the sandwich.  _ “Vato cabrón.”  _ Muttering to himself, the other was definitely more alert than Ryad himself was. Or maybe he was just louder than he thought.

“Huh? Vato whazzit now?” Max spoke with his mouth full, before continuing to chew.  _ Thankfully _ with his mouth closed.

_ “Ooh don't you worry about it.” _ Ryad's irritation was oozing out in his voice. The kid talked to him like they were best friends, when most conversations were one sided. He appreciated the other’s determination, though.

Max seemed to just shrug it off and take another bite of the sandwich. Staring at him, he just couldn't understand him. Maybe his mind was too exhausted from the therapy session earlier. There were too many possibilities and he just didn't want to have to reason with them now. “Oh yeah by the way! I asked Thatcher for a change for sparring, since he won't let me ‘n Gridlock tussle. Thinks she'll go soft on me, I tried telling him otherwise but he wouldn't listen! Bloody full of himself now, thinkin' he's so smart.” Clearing his thoughts, he caught as much of Max’s ramblings as he possibly could.

Opening his mouth to speak, the Aussie apparently wasn't  _ quite  _ done yet. “I asked for a challenge ‘n he gave me the option between you ‘n Sledge over there.” He whispered that last part as if it was something to be kept a secret, and pointed towards the hallway where everyone's rooms were. “But I told him I could take both of you. Didn't let me of course, so I settled with you.” Ryad assumed it was because he was older, and just a bit shorter than Seamus.

Max was almost an entire foot shorter than him. Mike must have done it just to try and teach him a lesson, to get him to stop being so cocky perhaps. No matter, he still had to question it. “Really now? You're about half my size. I'll squash you like a bug.”

The way Max's face contorted was fantastic. He looked so offended by that comment, and it got him fuming. “Oh come on now! Don't fuckin’ doubt me! I'm as tough as any of these other blokes! You just gotta see me, I can knock any of them on their asses, you included!” Ryad just chuckled, staring down at him. He crossed his arms across his chest, feeling a bit of tension loosening up inside his body.

“Alright then. When do you want to prove this?”

“Right here, right now.”


	3. If You Can't Beat Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Rumor has it that you could play dirty.  
>  I'll tell you what I'll do about that._

They had moved to the proper room despite all of Max’s insistence on fighting each other right in the middle of the mess hall. “You still have time to call it quits, you know.” Ryad was starting to stretch his arms out, he had two goals in mind. One was to intimidate, by showing just how much larger he was in comparison. And the other was he just needed to move his old bones, knowing that Max will definitely have the advantage of agility.

“Mm, I think that's something I should be askin’ you that old man.” Smirking, the short statured man took off his aviators, slicking his hair back. Max was wearing a green and yellow hoodie, with his insignia on the chest, rolling up his sleeves as he began doing over exaggerated stretches. Ryad rolled his eyes,  _ perhaps this will satisfy him and will end his buzzing.  _ Cracking his neck, he winced as it pinched a little bit.

Facing each other, they got into their stance. It was going to be hand to hand combat, and Ryad was relatively confident in his abilities. He raised his hand, and gave a countdown. “Three, two… one.” And immediately Max charged at him, but Ryad managed to move out of the way in time. The other was relentless and charged again, and with not a lot of space between them, Ryad no chance to react. The smaller man ran into him full speed, trying to knock him over, but the Spaniard still had the size advantage and only took a few steps back.

Ryad grabbed his arm, pulling Max in so his back was pressed against him. He held his hand near his Adam's apple, mimicking a knife to the throat. There was hesitation so Ryad assumed he gave up, but the moment he went to loosen up, Max saw his opportunity and landed a blow on his chin. Staggering backwards, he let go of him and stared at him. No matter, Ryad was going to stay on the defensive.

Max slowly closed in this time, keeping Ryad on edge. Once within distance, Max went for a punch to the gut. It was obvious, he could see it from a mile away. But his body didn't listen and didn't move out of the way. Ryad recoiled and lost his breath, coughing as he tried to keep his head up.  _ Mierda. What am I doing?  _ He tried to lunge at Max, since there wasn't much distance between them now. The other’s small stature came in handy as he seemed to easily slide out of the way, causing Ryad to stumble and trip, falling onto his arm. Grunting in pain, he knew he was going to feel that later. 

He rolled onto his back now, and Max took the opportunity to pin Ryad before he could even sit up. Glaring at the Australian, he slammed his knee into his stomach. He could play dirty if he needed to. Max let go, grumbling and standing up as Ryad staggered to his feet. Max tried to get a kick in, aiming it at his side. There was too much of a roundup to it, and he managed to dodge it just barely. Ryad went in for a punch to his face, and Max put his own arm up to stop it, rather taking the blow there than his face. He quickly grabbed the older man’s arm and tried to pull him to the ground. Ryad  _ really  _ felt that one and shouted, hitting the floor full force.

“Alright, knock it out.” Through gritted teeth, Ryad tapped out. His arm was in searing pain, and was pretty sure Max dislocated his shoulder or had him pull a muscle. The other let out a deep sigh, triumphant over his victory. After catching his breath though, Max seemed to finally notice that Ryad was still sitting on the floor.

“Shit mate, you okay?” Going to his side, he stared at his arm. 

“You got my shoulder pretty nicely.” Max got on his knees and placed his hands around his bicep. “Dislocated, eh? Lucky for you I've fixed  _ plenty _ of these on the fly!” Still, he waited for Ryad to tell him to go and do it.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and prepared himself. “Do it.” Ryad wasn't sure why he didn't just go see Gustave to do it, but he just let the other do it with excitement. Max tightened his grip on his bicep and pushed up and in, causing the other to just grunt.

“There, should be all good now!” The pride that swelled in Max's voice was overwhelming. Ryad went to move his arm, and while there was still a sharp pain, it was a lot better than before. “Still wanna be careful.” Offering his hand, Ryad reached out and grabbed it with his good one. Now on his feet, Max offered his shoulder if he needed one to help keep his balance.

“I am not in  _ that _ much pain. It's my arm, not my legs anyway.” He declined and kept himself on his feet. “You're better than I expected. You've got… agility.” It was definitely something he lacked in his old age, and despite that being relatively quick, he was sore as hell.

“Not gonna lie mate, I feel bad for gettin’ you like that. Shouldn't have gone full force on ya when you've been under the weather lately.” Now that comment intrigued Ryad. Under the weather..? He wasn't sick, and he gave Max a skeptical look.

“I'm not sick. I'm in as good of shape as I can be.”

“Jackal, I'm gonna be real with ya. Everyone's been noticin’ how you've been acting, especially when we take on operations.” Rubbing the back of his head, he wasn't sure how to take that. “Maybe acting isn't the best way to put it, but something is definitely off with ya. People are just worried.”

“People are worried? No one has mentioned it to me other than Harry.” Ryad thought it was just something slight that only someone trained would notice. Was his health that obvious?

“C’mon mate, you're a fuckin’ mountain! And pretty intimidating. And also not the easiest to approach. And...” Ryad sighed, stopping Max there before he inevitably began to ramble his head off. Putting his hand under his chin, he pushed it up so he was forced to make eye contact.

“Perhaps I'm just a mountain to you, hm?” Looking down at him, he had to pull that card. Apparently it left the Aussie speechless, as he just stared up at him for a good while. “That's what I thought.” He let go of his chin and started to walk away, but then stopped once he noticed the other wasn't following. “Was the short comment too much?”

Max snapped out of it, and caught up with Ryad. “You're a son of a bitch.” Grumbling, he walked with him back to the dining hall.

“And you are short.”


	4. Good Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Take care of those you call your own.  
>  And keep good company._

_ “Morning Ryad. I'm assuming you've already gotten up, but once you get a chance, stop by my office. Harry got you a gift, and I think you might enjoy it.”  _

Ryad had been fumbling with his phone, his groggy eyes trying to adjust to the sudden light. Gustave’s message was not the best thing to wake up to, especially around 11:00 in the morning. It was unlike him to wake up so late, and he felt pretty gross being up just  _ slightly _ before noon. Whatever, he still had to go on with his day.

It was too late in the morning to comfortably take a shower, so he planned on taking one before bed. He looked at himself in the mirror above the dresser cluttered with papers and his alarm clock. Scrounging for his comb, he did his best to brush it out and slick it back. It ended up fluffing up and being a bit more unruly than normal, but that was the price he paid for postponing his shower.

Ryad left his room, yawning and still trying to blink the goop out of his eyes. His body was still sore after his spar with Max, who knew that he could pack a punch? Or maybe it was his old age and insomnia catching up with him. As he closed in on the general area, that mimicked a recreation room, it was already pretty cluttered. The loud voices already got to him the moment he walked in, and he just tried to zone it out and grab a newspaper to read in his room or while he made lunch.

Snatching the paper up, Elena gave a little wave to him, before teasing him. “¡Buenos días, Ryad! You finally emerged from your cave, hm?” Rolling his eyes, he shot a glare at her. There was no  _ real  _ malice behind it, that was just how the two would converse. She clearly didn't expect a response from Ryad, as after that brief exchange, she turned back to continue talking to Tori. The two had gotten close ever since Tori had joined Rainbow, and at times Ryad wished he had been able to form a bond like that.

Whatever. Those things weren't all that important in the grand scheme of things. He made his way to the kitchen, where it was significantly quieter. Sitting down on one of the stools, he opened the newspaper on the table in front of him and quietly began to catch himself up on the world outside of Rainbow.

“Oi!” A loud voice came from directly behind Ryad's ear, causing him to jump and whip around, hitting whoever was there pretty good. “Jesus chill! I'm not tryna fuckin’ kill ya mate!” Ah, it was Max. Settling down, he still muttered a fair choice of insults in Spanish under his breath.

“You can  _ not _ walk up behind me like that.” Warning Max for future reference, the smaller of the two seemed to take note.

“Sorry ‘bout that. But anyway, why don't you come and hang with Gridlock and I? We're gonna play some euchre, maybe some poker afterwards.” Ryad immediately shook his head, declining his offer. “Awh c’mon man, you'd have a blast!”

“I am more of a one on one person. And it's too loud over there… I can't stand it. It frustrates me.” Max didn't seem to pry further, and instead sat down next to him.

“That'll work then. We can just chill out here… relaxing.”

“Mhm.” Ryad acknowledged him, trying to find his place in the newspaper again. He saw Max's leg bouncing out of the corner of his eye, and already knew he wasn't going to be able to sit here in silence for long. But he still wanted to see how long he could last.

“Just… sitting here, doin’ nothing.” It had barely been thirty seconds and Max had already started whistling. Forty seconds… fifty… almost on the dot of being a minute now, he seemed to explode with impatience. “Alright! Have ya had brekkie or lunch yet?” Putting his paper down, Ryad looked up at him and chuckled, a tiny smirk on his face. Max definitely caught on to his amusement, and pouted, sticking his lip out a bit. “Y’know they don't call me Mozzie for nothin’.”

Truthfully, the nickname meant nothing to him. He just assumed it was Max being… Max? But he didn't pay any attention to it for now. “I haven't eaten yet, no. I just woke up about ten minutes ago.”

“Jackal not waking up before five in the morning? What, did I kick your ass that badly?” Snickering, he turned his back and opened the fridge, rummaging for something to make for the other. “Ham ‘n cheese sound good?”

Ryad snorted at his cocky remark. “Not in the slightest. Just was able to sleep for more than ten minutes for once.” Partially true, but it was more than likely because of how absolutely beat he was from the spar. Even his insomnia ridden body had its limits, and would just shut down on him to try and get some sleep. “And no to ham, is there turkey in there?”

Max just tossed the turkey out onto the counter, along with some provolone. “Not givin’ you a choice with cheese now. This is the only way to go.” Ryad didn't say much and just kept doing his own thing, catching up on news. Though it was nice to know that Max was looking out for him, despite how obnoxious he could be. You take what's dealt to you… and honestly he wasn't the worst person to be stuck with. Looking at his watch, he remembered that Gustave wanted to see him.

So he started to stand up, but Max seemed to whip around with the sandwich the moment he had started to move. What was a few more minutes anyways? That was a strange way of viewing things for himself, and maybe this damned Aussie was starting to rub off on him. Ryad gladly took it, and looked up at Max. “Gracias,” he spoke quietly before taking a decent sized bite.

“No problem, mate. That's one thing I know in Spanish.” Max chuckled, running his hand through his hair before crossing his arms across his chest. Ryad noticed how he looked a bit uncomfortable. Did he still want him to go hang out with the others?

He put the other half of the sandwich down, “You don't have to stay here, you're free to go with the others.” Upon saying that Max's eyes seemed to widen ever so slightly. Ryad must have guessed wrong? Why was he paying so much attention to his face anyway?

“No, no! ‘S not that at all. Just have issues staying still is all.” His answer was rushed, and to save himself the frustration, Ryad decided not to look into it anymore. He had given him the option and he didn't take it.

“You plan on following me like a lost puppy to my appointment, too?” Pausing after he said that, he realized how it really sounded. So immediately he back pedaled. “Not that it's a bad thing. I wanted to make a joke, you see.”

Max pursed his lips a bit, “Why are ya apologizing? That was a damn good one! Is the old man getting soft?” All Ryad could do was roll his eyes. 

“I try to have proper manners. But I guess that was lost with your generation.” Snorting, he continued to eat his sandwich. “Though I would appreciate time alone. Gustave’s appointments are draining.” He decided not to elaborate more on it. Because then Max would keep asking questions until he was satisfied, and honestly? He didn't want to tell everything to the professionals, let alone someone almost twenty years his junior.

“Oh naw mate that's fine! Just wanted to spend a bit of time with you before I'm out for a few days. They're sendin’ me and a few of those SAS and GIGN guys out later today. It's a real operation, y’know!” Of course Max would ramble for as long as possible about it. He had to brag about everything he did, but at this point Ryad didn't care too much. And did he… pronounce the acronyms like words?  _ Dios mío... _

“Well be careful. Those are a harder bunch, and they won't put up with you as much as Tori and I.” It felt odd comparing himself to his lifelong friend, even if it was true in a way. They were the only two to really tolerate Max, but also knew when to put their foot down and make him cut the shit. “And don't run in on your own. Use your head.” There wasn't much advice Ryad could give, it'd been so long since they sent him out on a large operation. Maybe that should have been a warning sign for everything that was happening.

“I know how to handle myself. Why else would they invite me to Rainbow?” He seemed to puff his chest out, trying to show his worth. “I ‘preciate your concern though, mate. Good to know there'll be someone thinkin’ ‘bout me as I save the world.” Shaking his head and chuckling, Ryad smiled while looking at the counter.

“Go get ready, I can already tell you are going to forget something.” Getting up, the two waved their goodbyes and simultaneously gave each other a “good luck” as they went separate ways.

* * *

Gustave wasn't surprised that it took Ryad so long to actually get to him. But he was in his office all day, so it made no difference. “Good to see you finally showed up.” Reaching behind him, he handed him one of those orange pill bottles. Great. This is what he wanted to avoid. “I talked with Harry and he said this should help with your symptoms. We've been talking about possible diagnoses, with post traumatic stress disorder being an umbrella that could house several others.”

Ryad ripped the bottle out of his hand, glaring at it, then Gustave. “You want to medicate me?” The thought of relying on medicine to be “properly functioning” disgusted him. “I'm not taking these.” There was a long, drawn out sigh from the doctor.

“Ryad, I understand your disdain towards medication. It feels like you're not in control of your own body, that you have to rely on some foreign thing to keep you going. But it's not reliance… View it more as an aid. You don't  _ need _ it, but it certainly helps make the days go by smoother.” Gustave definitely had to have this conversation with people before, his quickness to respond to it was impeccable. It didn't change his thoughts on it at all. “Don't forget that your job with Rainbow is on the line.”

He groaned as he was reminded, reminiscing on his spar with Max yesterday. He was moving so clumsily and he knew he was better than that. “Is there not any other option?” Ryad hated trying to plead with people, but there was no way he was going to become a medicated mess.

“There's always true therapy, but that's a slow and challenging course. And something I'm not trained in. It'd be for the best if you took these, and if you don't like how they make you feel, we can talk more.” Gustave tried his best to reason with him, and Ryad could definitely pick up on it. “We want you in Rainbow, Ryad. Losing you would be a devastating blow.”

Gritting his teeth, that sentiment hit him differently than the others. “Alright. Fine. I'll take them for a bit.” Putting the bottle in his sweatpants pocket, Gustave gave a little chuckle in triumph.

“That's all for now. Harry wants to talk to you one of these days, one on one. Maybe he can help you learn to cope.” Ryad didn't hesitate for a second and got out of there, but was glad that he'd talk to someone proper some day. But for now? There was no way he was taking these pills. He'd find his own ways to get his act together. The orange bottle was going to stay hidden in the depths of his dresser, never to see the light of day again.


	5. The Invisible Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When you hear a sound, that you just can't place.  
>  Feel somethin' move, that you just can't trace._

Nighttime came quickly after he shared his goodbyes with Max and the others. And with nighttime came the silence, where the closest feeling to being but a shell of a human being came out. There was no hope for his sleep, no matter how much he searched, he wouldn't be able to figure out what worked. Because nothing did.

For hours upon hours he tossed and turned, constantly dancing on the edge of sleep, but he never could quite make it over. Not even for a few seconds. Something in his brain was hot wired like that, refusing to let him miss even a moment of life. What if there was a breakthrough? What if he thought of a new idea? Faisal’s murderer could be caught. It couldn't happen if he was asleep.

That would never happen. It had been… what? Over thirty years since there was anything even remotely related to the case? And even that had led to nowhere. It has been so long since it happened, that everything was… different. Their city has had buildings torn down and added, streets paved and cleaned, removing all possible evidence that they once contained.

Ryad was just too late, and that thought had haunted him for decades. He had given up what little opportunities he had for all of this. He never had a chance to live a normal life. Everything was about finding the next target, hunting them down for months, or years if that was called for. Never would he let another feel the pain and confusion that still coursed through him every night. No one should have their loved one ripped from their arms without an answer. And that's all he did for years. But he could never solve his own mystery.

What if Faisal had never died? What kind of life would he be living? Maybe he'd be permanently living in Spain with a wife and kids. Perhaps he still would've joined law enforcement, or he would've seeked out higher education. All he knows is his life wouldn't be plagued with such terrible thoughts. A sob tore through the silence, snapping Ryad back to reality for but a moment. Was that really him? There was absolutely no way. A fifty year old man crying in his room late at night. With that thought, he forced himself to be silent, but the tears ran down his cheeks every so often.

It was too late for him to go back, all he could do was wish. Wish that he did all those things he missed out on when he was younger. Dating had never been something he did, there was no time for it. And why would he place all that unnecessary stress on someone else? Even if he had never told them, his entire being just radiated stress and misery. It was a wonder how anyone managed to stay around him for more than a few minutes at a time. Especially someone as upbeat as Max or Elena.

The world was terrible to him, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Just suffer through it until he eventually died doing the only thing he knew- hunting. Whatever god was out there, if there even was, must have just hated the entire idea of him living to begin with. He wasn’t even graced with parents to love and support him, and the one person close to him was his brother.

There it was again. Everything came back to Faisal. Every single thing he thought about managed to round back around to him.  _ Surprising no one. Ryad finding his brother dying and holding him as he passed causing him a lifetime of stress?  _ His brain conjured that cynical thought, and he sneered at himself.  _ Stop being such a pussy and get over it.  _ Flipping himself around in his bed, he put his face into his pillow and wrapped it around his head.

Ryad wasn’t going to get any solace tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a much shorter chapter than usual, but i felt the need to have a chapter that expresses what jackal goes through quite often.


	6. A Human Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _We've got problems the lone ranger can't fix._   
>  _The invisible man couldn't see._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to upload a chapter on mozzie's birthday! tell ubi to release his birthday skin

Ryad never realized how little people he talked to, until Max had left for his operation. He could count the people he enjoyed spending time with on one hand, and it was surprising when he actually considered  _ Max Goose _ to be one of them. The kid was so obnoxious he was surprised he ever managed to warm up to him.

During the time he was gone, he tried to keep himself busy as the other normally would. He hadn’t spoken to Gustave since he had lied to him about the pills, and he hadn’t slept since then. There was no guilt on his conscience, no. That had absolutely no correlation with his sleeping pattern right now. For the past couple of nights, he hadn’t gotten any sleep, with the same recurring thoughts. His body just didn’t want him to keep on going, and the urge to take those pills was strong. But no, his stubborn old mind refused to give in. There was no way he was taking those. It was like giving in, admitting defeat to his illness. Admitting defeat was something he couldn’t do.

These thoughts that plagued his head while doing the most mundane tasks were horrid, but he just had to smile or shrug them off. Currently he was eating a bagel with Elena and César, with the two discussing her Black Mirror. He was zoned off in his own head, chewing mindlessly. Elena turned to him and asked him, “¿Qu é pasa contigo?”  _ What’s wrong?  _ And it shook Ryad out of it for a second.

“Nada. Solo cansado.”  _ Nothing. Just tired.  _ Rubbing his eyes, Elena was already aware of his insomnia, so he didn’t mind sharing it too much.  César on the other hand just… eyed him.

“Te ves terrible.”  _ You look terrible.  _ César finally chirped in, “¿Alguna vez duermes?”  _ Do you ever sleep?  _ Ryad just grimaced, thinking back to what Max had said a few days ago. Everyone apparently noticed, and he was just too ignorant to care about it.

But he didn’t need people to worry about it, “A veces,”  _ Sometimes,  _ “Trabajo bien.”  _ I work just fine.  _ Sighing, he took a glance at his watch. “I need to go.” Breaking out of his mother tongue, he waved to the two before they could question him further. Elena gave a concerned look to César, who shared one of a similar caliber. But neither decided to speak up as he left his half finished bagel on the table.

There was nothing for him to do… just the thought of having to answer their questions that he could just  _ feel _ coming made him feel pretty nauseous. Or maybe it was the crappy bagel. He needed an excuse to leave, maybe work out. Or take a walk. But his eyes were trying to close every chance they got, but he knew even if he closed them, sleep wouldn't come. Ryad just decided it was better to keep himself moving, and maybe a jog would use up any last bit of energy he had and force his body into a shutdown mode of sorts. Force him to get at least a moment's rest. It's something he had never tried before, and if it worked maybe he could keep using the same tactic to sleep regularly.

He was already wearing sweats and a tank top, did he really need to change? Whatever, no need. Going outside, he decided on about three laps around the building. The sun was beating down on him, and he started his run.

* * *

Ryad wasn't entirely sure how long it took, but he knew by half way through the final lap he was exhausted. His muscles ached, the familiar burn coursing through him. He managed to finish it, but all he wanted to do was lay down and wished for sleep  _ so badly. _

Trudging inside, he walked with a bit of a slouch. He didn't bother stopping anywhere else, his room was the only destination that mattered. Ryad flung himself onto his bed, sweaty clothes and all. Normally he'd be disgusted, but god it had been days and he just wanted to rest.

Closing his eyes, he tried to let sleep overtake him…

Sleep. Just sleep. No other thoughts. Not Faisal, and not his failures.

Ryad's eyes were closed for what felt like an eternity, and not an ounce of sleep came to him. His mind just raced, thinking of anything and everything he had ever done.  _ Of course it is not that easy.  _ If it had been, he wouldn't be in this situation with Rainbow now.

Even if he wanted to sleep now, there was a lot of commotion going on not too far from his room. Guess the planets had aligned just to give a big fuck you to Ryad. Dragging himself to the door, he decided to inspect the noise. He must've had a scowl on his face, because the group of people seemed to quiet once he peered around the corner. The thought of how disheveled he looked didn't even cross his mind.

“Ah, shit. We woke the monster up from his slumber, eh?” That Cockney accent was unmistakably belonging to James, if the way he phrased it wasn't clear enough. He seemed to chuckle under his breath as Mark gave him a slight nudge for the comment, trying to keep him in line it seemed. But James couldn't be trained like that, much to Mark and the rest of the SAS' dismay. Mark just shot Ryad an apologetic look, and they left it at that.

“Welcome back, I guess. Is this what all the commotion is about?” Christ he sounded worse than he thought, his voice a little raspy compared to earlier. Once he spoke though, there was shuffling of someone trying to move up to the front of the group, wanting to see who was there. And lo and behold, it was Max. He looked absolutely beaming, a complete contrast to the mess Ryad was right now.

“You look like you walked out of the fuckin’ trenches mate! What happened?” It now hit him that he must look… terrible. With everyone's reactions and Max’s bluntness, he looked down at himself.  _ Fantastic. _

“Exercise.” Was all he said, but was starting to have a warm feeling spread over him when he realized that Max was back from his assignment already. How long had he been gone for? It couldn't have been that long. Gently staring down at him, he felt his sneer go away as he softened up.

The warmth quickly faded as the rest of them began talking to their welcoming party again, and he and Max were left to talk alone. “C’mon. You're not that out of shape. Your eyes are more sunken than the titanic!” Ryad's eye twitched at the comment, his lack of sleep making him more irritable and barely able to keep up with his antics.

“Keep the comments coming and you'll lose a couple inches.” Glaring down at him, he was about to turn around and storm back to his room before Max grabbed him by the arm.

“Alright look man, I'm sorry. But you really don't look good and it's worryin’ me. Did something happen while I was gone?” There was remorse almost immediately, feeling bad for snapping at him. Max just… cared. “You don't have to tell me but… I'm always open to listen y’know?”

“I haven't slept in days.” There was no hesitation. It was such an impulsive response that Ryad was surprised he even said it. “It's normal.” No it wasn't. That kind of stuff was unthinkable to most people, but to him it was a frequent occurrence.

Max looked… surprised would put it lightly. It was like someone had punched him in the gut, and it just made Ryad’s insides bunch up and become a mess. “That's not okay. Mate you really need to get help, it'll only hurt you.” Oh how little he knew. “Here let's go see Doc ‘n he'll help you out and-”

“No.” Pulling his arm back, he wasn't going to face Gustave again for awhile. “He can't help.”

“'Course he can! The man's a genius he can solve anything.” Ryad could feel himself wanting to explain everything to Max, hoping he would understand where he was coming from.

“Max. He cannot. Can we talk elsewhere?” Ryad pleaded, staring down at him just hoping he'd agree. “I can explain everything if you want.” He personally didn't want to, but getting Max to maybe try and understand would work for them.

* * *

And so Max agreed to listen, and they decided Ryad’s room was safe enough and notably quieter than before. Guess the guys took the hint and quieted down, or was it Max causing the source of the noise? Whatever it was, it was fine now and that's what mattered. “Get comfortable. Doesn't matter where.” Ryad sat on the edge of his bed, while Max pulled up the desk chair from the far end of the room. He looked up at the older, more exhausted man with such curiosity that it was surprising he managed to not ask questions already.

“They've threatened to kick me out of Rainbow because of my insomnia.” Ryad opened with being as blunt as possible, to make sure he understood his main issue at hand. “Gustave gave me these pills to take, but there is  _ no _ way I'll become a medicated mess.” Reaching into his dresser, he dug for the bottle to show to Max, tossing it his way. “God… what would he think if he saw me now…” Mumbling to himself as Max examined the pill bottle, he put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Jac- Ryad. These would put an end to all your problems! There'd be nothing that'd keep you out of Rainbow after that.” Oh how little did he know, that the insomnia was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his problems. “I don't think anyone would think less of ya either, taking these pills.” He caught his confused mumbles, and Ryad just shook his head and chuckled sadly.

“There's so much more. I'll be able to sleep, but then when I do, I'm just stuck with the same nightmare over and over.” He grimaced, clenching his fist and looking up at Max. “It's not worth it.” It's better to him that he be awake to deal with his problems, instead of being forced along a path in his dream. Was it really that much different, though? Max got closer to him, wheeling the chair forward.

“How long have these problems been going on? ‘Cause if you haven't figured them out by now… not sure if you will without some sort of outside help.” Max was the last person he expected to spout wisdom or advice at him, and it was a surprising outcome.

“Ah… thirty some odd years?” Ryad sheepishly admitted. It felt like he was saying he was wrong, with the question that had led up to it. “Since Faisal died.”

Max looked absolutely bewildered at the answer he coaxed out of him. “Thirty years? Thirty fuckin’ years?” Sputtering over his words, he seemed confused. “Take the pills, man. What's the worst that could happen? You don't catch any sleep or there's a nightmare? I think that's a fine trade to get some damn shut eye.” Ryad didn't want to admit that he was right, but he was. He already relived the scene in his head over and over again while awake. He would at least… function during the day. Max wasn't done however, and put his hand on Ryad’s shoulder. “I'll keep an eye on ya and make sure you fall asleep, how about that? No waking up to nightmares alone, eh?”

Ryad stared at him for what felt like minutes, surprised at his offer. Why was he offering this and trying to help so much? What benefit did he get? “Fine.” And Max handed him the bottle, he held it so he could read the label.  _ Take two hours before going to bed.  _ What time was it now? 5:52? There was still a while before he'd have to take them.

The smile that grew on Max's face was blinding, and he felt that same warm feeling envelop him from before. He found himself blankly staring at his lips, still managing to listen to what the other had to say. “Glad I could knock some sense into ya. Can I ask who Faisal is?” And the dead weight returned in his stomach, pushing that fantastic feeling right out of his system. Looking at the floor, he thought of how to explain it.

“Faisal was my brother. Died when I was seventeen, right in my arms.” Max shifted uncomfortably in his seat, probably realizing the true weight of the question now. “Do you know anything about the foster system?” Shaking his head no, Ryad continued. “I'm sure it's similar across the world… but in Spain it's an absolute mess. Going from family to family, my brother and I really only had each other.” He was spilling more than he initially planned on, but he couldn't stop it now. He had told Gustave all this because he  _ had _ to, but now he just wanted to let Max know. “I never found his killer, you know.” His breathing was shaky, and he stared at the floor. “I've been trying to use Rainbow’s resources to find the bastard. Still no luck.”

Max got close to him and gave him a tight hug. It stopped Ryad in his ramblings and he froze. “‘s all right mate. Don't worry ‘bout explaining anymore.” He was quieter than before, and Ryad slowly gave into the hug, wrapping his arms around his back and rested his forehead on Max's shoulder. He tried to steady his breathing and let himself melt into the embrace, taking in all that he could.

This was… unexpectedly nice. It soothed him to his core, feeling his worries slip away for just a brief moment. Enough for him to enjoy this moment and relax.

After some time they broke apart, and Ryad laid into his bed as Max backed up. “You reek of cologne. Maybe get something that isn't as strong, hm?”

“You smell like sweat, don't even talk.” The two of them burst into sudden laughter, enjoying each other's humor and company. This was the most peaceful Ryad had been in years. What made this so special? Whatever the cause, he hoped it remained for as long as possible.

It went into a bit of silence, as Ryad fiddled with the pill bottle in his hand. He opened it and took out one of the pills, glaring at it. His gaze flicked to Max, and he gave him a reassuring gaze. “You can either take it, or I can force it down ya throat. Pick your poison.” Rolling his eyes, Ryad leaned his head back into the pillow and swallowed it dry. Eugh. It didn't feel good giving in and taking it. “G’job mate. I'll sit here with ya if you're alright with that.” His thoughts didn't change from earlier, and he just nodded. “Good, I'm gonna make myself at home and get cozy!” Chuckling to himself, Max unzipped his hoodie and rested it over himself like a blanket. His small stature made it easy to curl up in the chair too. Ryad kept his eyes on him, getting comfortable on his own bed. Max was just flipping through his phone now, smiling every so often at whatever was being shown to him.

“Thank you.” Ryad mumbled as he pulled his blanket up to cover himself. Normally he would sleep in just his underwear or sweats, but he had common decency to keep himself clothed with Max in his room.

“Don't mention it. Now get your ass to sleep.”


	7. Machines (Or Back to Humans)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Don't tell me I ain't got no soul,  
>  When the machines take over._

Max had kept his promise and stayed the entire night. Even in those split second moments where he had woken up, the smaller one was there, curled up and snoring away. At some point in the night, he must have decided the chair wasn't comfortable enough and went onto the floor. During one of the short periods he was awake, Ryad draped one of his blankets over Max. His sweatshirt became a pillow once he was on the floor, so he looked cold.

There was something racing through Ryad’s mind every time he woke, appreciating the fact that Max even bothered to stay with him. He couldn't take his eyes off him, creating this feeling in his chest that kept pulling and pulling. It felt… nostalgic, almost. This was something he hadn't felt in years, and it was taking him time to pinpoint it. But it was like a hunt, to rack his brain and use whatever was around him to search for the one answer. Of course it didn't come easily.

Appreciation? No. Something stronger. Fondness? It didn't feel right, but it was close. Racking his brain for the right word, before he could decide on it, sleep overtook him again.

* * *

“‘Ey mate. You should probably get outta bed some time today.” Ryad woke up to a slight shake and Max standing over him. He groaned, his eyes trying to glue themselves back together. “It's 11:30, y'know.” Now  _ that _ made Ryad sit up slowly, rubbing his head. He had a nasty case of bed head and he could feel it, and of course Max laughed about it.

“Don't even know when I went to bed.” Mumbling to himself, he tried to actually wake himself up. It had been so long since he actually had to think about it, with his body normally forcing him up without any real say. “You should've woken me up earlier.”

“Nah man. You needed the sleep, you said it'd been years since you got good sleep yeah?” Ryad nodded, his groggy eyes just staring at Max. Something about the effort he had been putting in when it came to Ryad was confusing him. Why did someone who he used to find so obnoxious become one of the closest people to him? Well… he still found him obnoxious, but more in an endearing way. He loved how he was excited over so much, ready to go at any minute and had full confidence in himself. Being so young, he was decently attractive too.

Huh.

That was… not a thought that normally went through Ryad’s head. The last time he  _ truly _ noted someone's appearance was back in high school, before everything had happened. His imagination started to get to him the more he stared and the more he thought.  _ How cute does he look standing right next to me? He's so short… Mierda. It's bad. _

Either he had been staring for way too long or he had made a weird face, because Max cocked his head and raised a brow. “You good? Did the meds fuck up your brain or somethin’?” Ryad just shook his head, before finally speaking up.

“I'm fine. Just… Thank you, Max.” He had to push the thoughts away to get to what mattered, that he found a way to get sleep. His brain didn't like the idea of relying on medicine, and he knew himself well enough to know there'd be nights where he'd refuse to take them. Maybe he could eventually sleep without them. “You didn't have to do this.” That sentence seemed to create some tension in the air, but it wasn't that kind of repressive, awkward tension. No, this was different. The two just stared for awhile, making eye contact every so often as they seemed to study each other. Max ended up breaking it by turning right around, laughing in an over exaggerated manner. So that wasn't just in his own head.

“I've gotta get goin’ anyway. Told Gridlock I was spending the night in your room. She'll start gettin’ suspicious if I don't make it to lunch.” Max stood at the doorway for a second, turning his head to look at Ryad once more. “See ya later, alright?”

“See you.”

* * *

It was hard to shake his earlier thoughts, and something in his gut was telling him to act on them quickly. Before they were gone. But rushing into things is what got people hurt and killed in his line of work. Though something was just egging him on, pulling him towards the thought of being impulsive and making possibly regrettable decisions. Maybe to make himself feel young again, alongside these newfound emotions.

Whatever it was, he was stuck with these thoughts no matter where he went. They seemed to override his normal recurring ones for now. Even as he received notice of a solo operation he was to go on, the back of his mind still whirled. It was definitely a positive, but it tended to be a little distracting at times.

Being sent solo was always nerve racking, but Six knew his abilities for what he could and couldn't do. They usually consisted of important targets within the White Mask’s group, or various other notable characters that were obviously a threat to the people. Essentially he could serve as an assassin or hitman for Rainbow if the time called for it.

Gustave must have told Six that he was good to go for now, since he had agreed to take the medicine days ago. Perhaps lying wasn't the best idea, but he would find out soon enough. Today's sleep should be good enough anyway. 

Ryad was given as much information about the target as possible, since every little bit he could absorb would help him approach the situation. Just using his Eyenox wasn't enough. With background he could approach the scenario in thousands of ways. Learning how to lure them in, what could cause them to react violently, or what could lull them over. Hunting was the one thing he knew he could do well. 

As his eyes skimmed the document he had been handed earlier, he soaked in what he needed. This was one of the higher up commanders with the White Masks, and Rainbow had apparently collected months worth of research on him. Ryad couldn't help but smirk to himself, catching a decent tip that would help with the operation. “I've got you now.” He mumbled to himself, folding up the paper and tucking it into one of the many pockets on his uniform, he gathered his things and got ready to leave. This was an urgent one, the note had said he might be leading an attack on some smaller cities around Europe. So getting him taken down as soon as possible was the goal.

Gathering his things, he threw a duffle bag over his shoulder and started making his way outside.  _ I won't let this one slip away. _

* * *

Jackal chose his C7E for this hunt, given that it had an advantage of range and power over the rest of his arsenal. He was alone now, Jäger had flown him in a few miles away from the location while Ash debriefed him a bit more over the radio. His old body hated having to do the treks, but he refused to let Rainbow down again.

Making it to the designated location was the easy part. But identifying who he was looking for was much more difficult. He had gotten as much identifying information as possible, but there was still a good amount of luck involved. The files said he wore a US size ten shoe. That helped narrow it down, but the way he walked was omitted obviously. It's hard to determine over a long period of time, since the weight of a step could depend on someone's overall feeling for that day.

Jackal kept walking along, being aware of any possible traps or lookouts. One shot or misstep was all it took to blow his cover entirely. It took longer than he had hoped, but he finally saw the location discussed. Grabbing a drone from his pouch, he tossed it out and hid in cover. He needed to find where they were, and see if he could identify the target. Normally, people in the target’s position wear more armor than the rest, seeing as they consider themselves a more valuable asset.  _ Egotistical is what we like to call that.  _ His drone traversed through the building, taking note of every guard stationed and every path he could take to avoid them.

It didn't take long to find his target. Upon seeing him, Jackal felt his blood start pumping and his heart rate increase. There was no going back now. The target was in sight, and he  _ would  _ die. Located at the top floor, he noticed a few windows he could quickly peek through and take him out if he didn't move. His backup would be traverse from the entrance, and make it through quickly and quietly. He reached for his gun, and then for a suppressor and twisted it on. Jackal began moving forward, keeping himself low to the ground. God, his age was really catching up with him, the burn in his knees making it painfully clear that he wasn't a kid anymore. No matter.

Getting to the roof wasn't a difficult task, he just had to take it slow. Make as little noise as possible as he climbed up the side of the building where they had a terribly obvious blind spot. Once on top, he peered over the edges to try and locate the window he scanned out earlier. That's where his target was. Carefully now, he set up his rapel and positioned himself above the window so he could see through the top of it, but it'd be difficult for them to hit him in return. With his Eyenox on, he let his eyes follow the prints to the back corner of the room. Slowly, he pulled his gun out and got ready to take aim. If he was lucky it would just take one shot and he'd be done. That was always the goal.

Shouting could be heard from above him.  _ Mierda. Mierda.  _ How'd they figure out he was up here, and how did they manage to sneak up to him? He didn't have time to think back to the one area that didn't seem to be covered, as he heard glass shattering and bullets flying out inches from his face. Jackal’s only option now was to blind fire back, and hope he could hit. There were a few screams and yells, but he couldn't make out any individuals with the footsteps banging above him. 

Something had grabbed him and pulled him up from the ledge. Multiple hands, actually. Letting them drag him from the edge, there were two of them. He was sprawled out on the roof, a gun barrel pointed at his head. “Call them, we got one of the guys’ from Rainbow.” The mask pointing the gun said to the other, and Jackal saw this as his opportunity. Once he started to radio in, Jackal grabbed the barrel of the gun and pushed it away from himself. The mask had pulled the trigger in response, causing a few bullets to graze Jackal’s legs. It didn't feel like anything had penetrated, but his adrenaline was covering his ass right now.

Forcing himself to his feet, he got up and charged the same mask, using his shoulder to knock him off balance. The other one had dropped the radio and pulled out a handgun, firing wildly at him. He couldn't come close in his panic, giving Jackal time to reach for his own pistol, taking the mask he had knocked down out in one clean shot to the head.

Wincing, he felt a bullet graze his side. It only took a few more shots to take care of the panicky one, leaving him to bleed out on the ground. Jackal was trying to put his thoughts together, but nothing was working. Horrifying imagery creeped up in the back of his mind, and he tried to shake it off and it just wouldn't go. A panic overtook him internally, locking his feet in place. He couldn't mess this up. It's all he had left. He'd be even further a failure if he couldn't finish the hunt.

As much as he willed his feet to move, he still stood there. This had never happened before, and he didn't know what to do. He was terribly aware of the sounds of people rappelling up to reach him. The consistent  _ thunk, thunk, thunk  _ of them rushing him. And before he knew it, he was surrounded. A voice boomed from behind one of them, and a heavily armored man slunk to the front. The target. “One of Rainbow’s dogs, hm?” Closing his eyes, he kept himself silent. “Take his guns.” He ordered, and two of them marched forward, guns raised and ready to fire as they ripped his pistol from his hand and kicked his rifle further to the side. “You look like you're too old for this type of work. Come now, don't you have a family to take care of?” The taunting made Jackal open his eyes and glare at him.

“No.” His reply was short, but the venom that oozed out of his lips could kill on its own.

“What a sob story. Please, don't spare us the details!” Laughing to himself, a few of his grunts laughed quietly under their breaths, before quickly silencing themselves. “At least I won't have any guilt on my conscience when I leave you for dead.” Approaching Jackal, they stared eye to eye. This man didn't even feel human, and with the dirty, grungy mask covering his face, Jackal was sure killing him would've left nothing on his conscience as well. “Come on. Give me some sort of reaction shitface!” His American accent pierced his ears as he yelled inches from his face. Suddenly, Jackal’s knee had found a new spot right in the target’s groin. Grunting and staggering back a little, the masks surrounding him seemed to tense up, becoming more willing to press the trigger. “So you are a fighter.”

Jackal tried flailing his foot again, but it was a pathetic attempt. The target made a motion, and then pointed to him, and a few came forward. Apparently he lost track of one, because he felt hands pulling down on his shoulders and pulled him to the cement of the roof. He banged his head  _ hard _ , moving back from his initial spot by a few feet. The two that approached him from the front restrained his arms and legs, preventing Jackal from thrashing about. “The amount of dirt you have on Rainbow will prove invaluable! This is the best move we've made in awhile.” Jackal could almost feel his smirk from underneath the mask. “You three, leave it to us.” The target pointed at the three who were standing there providing cover. “Keep an eye out for their backup.” And with that simple order, they brainlessly made their exit.

Now was his chance. His vision was blurred, and his Eyenox was more than likely busted, but when he slid as he was pulled back, his pistol was just barely in his reach. His other option was to try and rip it off one of the mask’s holsters. Building his strength, he threw himself upwards. It made the mask holding his upper half move just enough for him to pull his pistol closer to him with his fingertips and grab it. Immediately he whipped around and unloaded into his head. The mask on his lower half also met a similar fate soon after. Jackal tried to stand up, but was pushed onto his face by the one behind him. “You've gotta do better than that. You're too senile for this.”

Jackal kept silent. He wasn't going to rouse any sort of response from him. Right as the mask went to grab the gun from him, he fired a shot behind him, hitting him right in the shoulder and causing him to recoil back. This was enough time for him to finish what he started. Pushing himself to his knees, he took aim at the target’s head.

_ Click. _

Jackal’s heart sank as he realized what that sound meant. The target started laughing hysterically, and the mask behind him staggered to his feet, clutching his own wound. He ran out of ammo on the ones who didn't matter. Staring down at the bodies of the two dead masks, and ripped the pistol off his side. While he was still laughing, he fired a shot that landed right in his skull. “Se hace.”  _ It is done. _ There was no chance for him to gloat, as a deafening boom was heard behind him, and a sharp pain consumed his entire body. Jackal couldn't even locate where the point of impact was before he fell down on the hard ground, bashing his face right into the concrete. 

This was it. He was alone on the top of some building bleeding out. His mission was successful, and that's what mattered to Jackal. That's what mattered to Ryad. He did what he was told, and didn't let his target get away, despite the cost. All he wanted to do was curl up to try and dull some of the pain. But his body wouldn't move an inch. What a pathetic way to go.  _ Faisal… I'm so sorry.  _ Closing his eyes, he glued them shut as he sent out some of his last thoughts, reflecting on all of his regrets, all the things he missed out on. 

Ryad had to open his eyes to stare off at the side of the building and the forest beyond, he sighed. He couldn't really make out a lot of details at this point, everything was getting quite blurry. His ears were pounding, the sound of his heart beating and slowing was the only thing he could hear.

A blurry shape passed by in front of him, but he was so far gone that he didn't even react to it. A familiar shape approached him, grabbing his limp hand as his vision blurred, desperately trying to focus. “Let's go home.”  _ Faisal.  _ As he tried to force his body to grab the hand and not let go, his vision began to fade. He felt himself getting lighter, being lifted off the ground as his vision finally went to black.


	8. Las Palabras de Amor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Now you are near, look in my eyes and speak to me,_   
>  _The special promises I long to hear._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday jackal! the leap year baby :)

Death didn't seem so bad, if this was all there was to it. Stuck in his own mind… drifting. It was like he was walking in a pitch black void, with nothing but his own breathing and footsteps. The quiet of the void was broken at some point, he couldn't tell if it was hours or seconds. Time had no power here. Someone other than him began moving and making noise, seemingly rising from the void to approach Ryad.

“You're an absolute failure, Ryad. I hope you know that.” It was Faisal again. Looking up at him, he looked as disheveled as he was the day of his death. “A failure.” The words cut deep, as he stood there, staring. “There's a reason you never got to be happy with yourself. You had nothing to celebrate. Nothing to be proud of.” Ryad’s body stiffened as he continued to ridicule him. Why would he say such things? He had put in so much work, to fail in the end. Was he that upset with him?

“Faisal I… You know I tried. Forgive me.” Ryad pled with his brother, feeling his eyes sting now. “I did everything I could.” He tried not to stumble over his words, not to falter, but the more the burning sensation built up in his face, the more he felt himself coming undone.

“Clearly it wasn't enough.” He sneered, glaring at him. Why was he acting like this? The Faisal he remembered was understanding… he had always praised Ryad for giving things his all. Was his memory failing him yet again? Was this how he always was?

“There's nothing else that _could've_ been done.” His voice shook a bit, staring blankly at his brother. Was this even his own brother? Ryad refused to believe it. He could never forget anything about Faisal, no matter what had happened. It was too much for his brain to ever try and forget.

“You know that isn't true. You never tried when it mattered. You nev-”

* * *

Ryad was seemingly ripped out of the dark space, into a blindingly light room. His body was aching, and his vision was trying its hardest to focus on something. Anything. It was all just a blurry blend of light and dark. Did this mean he wasn't dead? The more he tried to focus, the more his head started to throb. He groaned, forcing his eyes shut. He could feel the dampness in and around his eyes, and he tried to get that to go away. There was a significant amount of pressure on his stomach, going up and down with the steady rhythm of his own breath. Part of him was curious if it was anything, or if it was just due to injuries. But he didn't want to touch it in case it was something that he really _shouldn't_ be touching.

So he gave it one more shot, opening his eyes and trying to focus on the shape on his stomach. This time a bit more came into focus, and it was… someone's head? Squinting more, he tried to soak up as many of the details as he could. Colors seemed to mesh together, and picking them apart was causing him a painful headache, but he continued to anyway. Ryad was curious to know who decided to take a nap on him. Whoever it was, their hair and skin color seemed to be similar. Dirty blonde? He tried to find anything distinguishable in the blobs of color he saw. Two reflective silver shapes made their way into his vision, and Ryad assumed earrings. Blonde hair… Earrings… His vision was beginning to clear up the more he stared, and the full shape finally came into focus.

Max.

Ryad’s first bodily instinct was to let those tears out that he had desperately tried to suppress. They weren’t bad, no. Not even in the slightest. It surprised him enough to the point where he broke the silence and sniffled. He felt Max move his head slightly and shut his eyes to try and stop the tears. But he just _couldn't._ With what had happened in what he assumed was a dream, and Max being right here with him when he absolutely didn't need to? It was a mix of relief and joy. He could've been doing anything else, but he chose to wait by Ryad. Chuckling to himself, his voice was choked by the tears. That seemed to make Max finally lift his head, and Ryad hesitantly opened his eyes.

“Well shit! Took ya long enough to wake up! Sorry ‘bout dozing off on ya.” Max seemed beyond stoked that Ryad was alright now, to the point where he didn't seem to care that he fell asleep on his stomach. His grin faded when he noticed that he was crying, a new look of absolute worry taking over. “Hey, what's up? I can get Doc if you're in pain-” As he started to stand up and go leave to get the others, Ryad reached his hand out and grabbed Max’s arm.

“No. I'm fine. It was just… dreams.” His words were chosen carefully, omitting the other half to it. “My brother was in them.” That settled Max down, and he seemed to be willing to listen, as noted by his unusual silence. “It was just my brain playing tricks on me. It is nothing new.” This scenario _was_ new. Never had Faisal belittled him in his dreams like that. Ryad needed to wipe away his tears, and tried to subtly use his fingers. But the more he did, the more that soon followed. Words couldn't express how much he hated this situation. Max reached out for him, offering up a hug. Honestly, he couldn't refuse it at this point. Immediately Ryad dug his shoulder into Max’s shoulder, recreating the scene from his room a few days before.

“Hey, hey… s’all right. I'm here for ya. Dreams are a fuckin’ wild thing, y’know?” Max tried to lull him into a calmer state for now, and it seemed to be working. “Whatever it is, ‘m sure Faisal is proud to see how far you've come.” It was scary how the Aussie seemed to just read his mind like that. Despite how obnoxious he was, Max really was aware of how other people felt. That was something rare to find in people, Ryad noted.

“You don't have to talk to me like I'm a child.” Mumbling, Ryad tried to bite back but the attempt was pitiful at best. The other just responded by loosening up his grip, and Ryad took that as an opportunity to just end the embrace entirely. His head was starting to throb again anyway. “I am… sorry.” Trying to lay back down, he didn't have the energy to keep sitting up.

“It's all good.” Silence. It was absolutely deafening, and prevented Ryad from closing his eyes. He was on edge due to the quiet, just waiting for his friend to finally decide to break it again. And that he did, but he had taken quite a while to do it. It felt like hours before he spoke again. It was clear he had gotten impatient again, bouncing his leg and fiddling with his hands. “...you wanna hear what happened? Or Doc can tell ya more when he gets back. He's got more info than I do.” Max adjusted himself in the stool next to the bed before entirely giving up and just sitting on the side of the bed.

“Mm... will you exaggerate and try to make me seem like some sort of… hero? To make me feel better?” _One that I was not, nor ever will be._ The scorn in his voice was painfully obvious, and showed how much he didn't want things to be sugar coated. He knew of his own mistakes. He felt like Max would tell some fantasy story to try and help Ryad feel better about the whole situation. It wouldn't help when he knew the truth.

Max seemed to frown at that. “I don't have to exaggerate to make you one.” He stared right at Ryad when speaking, and his gaze lingered long after he finished speaking, waiting to eat up his reaction. And wow... was there a reaction. Something in his stomach stirred, something he had left forgotten until recently. It resurfaced with a vengeance. “You’re considered a hero, just like the rest of us.” Ryad didn't even know if he was listening at this point, something in him snapped and broke like a dam. He was too busy staring at Max, who was doing his best to make sure he felt like he was someone important. Someone who was worth spending all this time with, to make sure he'd be okay.

Ryad reached his hand out for Max's head, sitting up to reach more comfortably. He ran his fingers through the Aussie’s blonde hair without warning, his expression unwavering. Max seemed a bit shocked, and as someone who was keen to details, Ryad didn't miss his skin flushing into a delectable red. It wasn't too much, but he definitely noticed. “You are too much, Max.”

He responded with an awkward chuckle, “Couldn't tell ya how many times I've heard that one.” And that elicited a quiet laugh from Ryad, who rested his hand on the back of Max's neck. He was busy taking in all of his features, and just became enthralled by them. It'd be so nice to just be able to look at his face for ages, to forget about his problems. “Mate, quit lookin’ at me with those dopey eyes and just kiss me.” God, was he really that obvious? He noticed that he had the faintest of smiles on his face. Guess that was a giveaway if his incessant staring wasn't already doing the trick. Ryad was surprised with his bluntness, but he supposed that fit his personality just right. The two were just about polar opposites, with very few similarities that overlapped with each other. He wasn't going to turn down that offer, though, and leaned in for the kiss.

Ryad couldn't quite explain it as magical, as much as he would like to. No, no. It was a kiss, nothing more and nothing less. For him, kisses just were never how the movies made them out to be, and he didn't mind all that much. That's not to say he didn't enjoy it. He absolutely loved it, especially the tickle that Max’s mustache gave him. It was quick, a small peck that left the two of them… intrigued by what the other had to offer. “Happy now?” Ryad spoke quietly, pulling away from Max's face. Meanwhile the Aussie looked absolutely star struck. He was speechless, and Ryad felt a bit of confidence in his chest. Every time he managed to get Max to go silent was a feat in itself. “You asked for it, now you're quiet?” Poking fun at him, he chuckled to himself.

Max pouted at that comment, causing a slight tug in Ryad’s chest. “Just shut up ‘n let me enjoy it. I've been waitin’ too long for that.” He provided the other with a little grin, before kissing the Aussie’s cheek. He could easily shut up and smother this man with a disgusting amount of love. The revelation helped him focus on something else for a bit, the pounding headache was something he could ignore for the time being. How long had Max waited for that? He'd have to interrogate him later, when he wasn't busy trying to… love the pest. Ryad pulled the smaller man closer, practically onto his lap. They were short and soft kisses, scattered about his face and neck with no real pattern. It'd been so long since Ryad had a chance to do this, and he was surprised how much he had been longing for it. Was he moving a bit too fast? He wasn't entirely aware of these feelings until… How long ago was it? His brain couldn't process time well to begin with, and now he had no idea how long he had been out for. Whatever it was, Max seemed to be enthralled by his movements either way. 

“If you want me to stop it, just say so.” Mentioning that just to appease his worries, Ryad then put his hands on Max’s sides, holding him in place as he took a break from it all. The other just shook his head and closed his eyes, letting Ryad’s affection wipe over him. “Good.” He mumbled, kissing the top of his head now. The difference in their heights was definitely something he could feel now, with his chin resting on Max’s head as he held him close.

“Still wanna hear about what happened?” Max's voice almost made him jump, with him talking loudly right next to him. Pulling back, Ryad glared at him. But he laid back anyway, getting comfortable in the hospital-like bed. Max did his own thing and just sat cross-legged right next to Ryad’s legs on the bed. “I'll tell ya exactly what happened according to Doc, how ‘bout that?”

Rolling his eyes, Ryad sighed with a slight grin on his face. It was all in good fun. “Fine, do not add anything weird.” He gave him a warning, and Max just snorted in return.

“Nothin’ weird I can add, so you're in luck.” Flashing Ryad a toothy smile, he just shook his head. “You remember what you did? ‘Cause we don't know the details of beforehand.” It took him a moment, pressing through the pain in his head to try and remember. He had taken out a handful of guys on the roof, including the target. The details were fuzzy, and the last he remembered was hitting his head on the concrete. Nodding, he gave his confirmation. “Awesome, well, basically ya hadn't been responding to the radio for a good chunk of time. So shit went haywire and they sent out Amaru, Jäger, and Doc for you.” Max was talking with his hands as he explained it, they were going everywhere to try and stress some of his words. “Jäger flew them around to where he had dropped ya off earlier, and eventually they said fuck it and decided to get closer to where the blokes were hiding out. They heard gunfire and located it to the roof, and eventually saw ya up there all fucked up. Amaru used her hook thingy to get her ass on the roof and grab you. Who knew she could be such a badass… I feel like she's taller than you too.” Of course Max had to make a side comment about height, despite the fact that _everyone_ was taller than Max and he shouldn't be allowed to talk. All he did was roll his eyes.

“I will have to thank her later. I know she isn't the most well received… but for rescues she is an absolute master.” Ryad was one of those who didn't quite give Azucena the recognition she deserved, and felt a bit guilty about it. She had saved his life, and that's what mattered.

“I know right? I asked her to try to teach me how to use her grappling hook thingy, and she said she'd consider it!” Max looked beyond excited, and Ryad fought the urge to grab him and pull him close, as if he could just eat up and absorb his emotions. But he managed to hold back. “But anyways, Doc worked his magic and patched you up. He did even more once he got back here and insisted that you be left alone. Didn't want anyone disrupting you with that concussion. But I said fuck that and snuck in anyway. Been too worried about you.” He felt his heart flutter with that last comment, feeling at peace. Honestly he could just imagine Max sitting there, bugging the hell out of everyone to get as much detail about him as possible. Just to make sure he was okay.

“I will say it again. You're too much.” Laughing softly, he just couldn't believe that someone went through all that to make sure he was alright. “Gustave will be beyond angry to see you here, won't he?”

Max just shrugged, “Probably, he already told me ‘bout twenty times to not go in.” He sprawled out and flipped onto his stomach, holding himself up by his elbows. Max made sure he was facing Ryad, trying to lean in towards his face. “But you know what emotions do to a man.” It was obvious that Max wanted another kiss, with the faintest smirk growing on the left side of his face, and the way his eyebrows raised slightly. Ryad was gentle when it came to this, making his movements slowly. He ended up obliging to Max's clear requests, and gave him a long and slow kiss on his lips. The other made a small humming sound, clearly appeased with Ryad’s action. He felt at ease again.

The two were ripped apart by the sound of the doorknob wiggling, making a clicking sound as it opened. Ryad didn't bother moving too much, yet Max seemed quite jumpy and tried to get himself back into his cross-legged position. But the figure had already made his way in and saw the two before he could sit himself back up. Unsurprisingly, it was Gustave. He sighed and glared at Max. “I do _not_ know why I thought you'd listen to me. I guess your insistence makes sense now.” Ryad rarely saw Gustave frustrated, but when it came to Max, he wasn’t entirely surprised. “I have to ask you to leave now. Ryad’s awake and I need to make sure there isn’t any more damage.”

Max definitely was _not_ happy with that, and of course had to fight back. “Awh c’mon mate. What’s it gonna hurt if I’m just relaxin’ here?”

“Because you’re a big enough distraction to me, and I imagine more so to Ryad.” While he wasn’t entirely wrong, he didn’t appreciate Gustave speaking on his behalf. “Now go, before I have to get that new individual in here… Saif, is his name I believe? He’ll more than gladly drag you out.” That seemed to freak Max out enough, it was evident on his face. Even Ryad wouldn’t want to go against Saif… the man was more machine than human.

“Max, just go. We can talk more later.” Ryad tried to plead with him, and thankfully that note rang true with him. Fumbling off the side of the bed, he grabbed some stuff he had apparently stashed underneath it and made his way out the door, surprisingly quiet. _I hope he didn’t take too much offense to that._

Gustave waited until he heard the door close behind him, before the tension in his body clearly released. Sighing once more, he pulled up the stool and sat next to Ryad. “I won’t ask questions. To each their own, everyone sees something in everyone.” While Ryad wasn’t uncomfortable with the thought of Gustave asking questions, he was just slightly relieved that he decided to have the decency not to. “Anyways, let’s check on how you’re doing now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a lot of trouble with this chapter, i was unsure about the pacing and their relationship. i hope my choice is alright and that you guys enjoy it!


	9. In the Lap of the Gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Think all my thoughts with you and only you.  
>  Anything you ask I do, for you._

The checkup had gone… less than smoothly. He was going to be bed ridden for another week or so, but he was sure he could manage to convince Gustave to let him out a few days early. After enough interrogation and putting the pieces together, he had picked up on how Ryad had taken the medicine for one night. His disappointment was immeasurable,  _ “You better thank Max for that,” _ was simply how he responded. It wasn't pinning the blame on him, rather the opposite. It was Ryad’s cynical way to bring what Max had done to light. Perhaps subconsciously trying to prove he was more than just a pest.

The topic had quickly changed after that, and Gustave just ran down all of his injuries. A severe concussion, lacerations all over his legs, and he was just absolutely covered in scrapes and bruises on his face. His nose got pretty fucked up too from falling, but thankfully it wasn't broken. And to add onto it all, a nice bullet lodged right in his chest. It missed anything important, but it was still sitting in there behind his bandaged up chest. The sight was not pretty, as Gustave had shown him just earlier.  _ To think, Max was fawning over me while absolutely bloodied… _ The thought sent a wave of absolute joy through him. At least there was something positive he could think of while in this situation. “You're remarkable, Ryad. I want to put it on luck, but I know you're a fantastic operator. Your skills played a significant part in your survival. You're an asset we couldn't live without.” With that, Gustave pat his leg and got up.

Ryad caught his drift alright. Like a punch in the gut. He needed to take care of himself, otherwise he'd throw off the balance of Rainbow. Everything fit together like a puzzle, with each new member complimenting another one and allowing the organization to grow. He could potentially throw it off, leaving the puzzle to be permanently incomplete. He couldn't do that to everyone.

A faint yelling outside the door snapped him out of his thoughts that he sensed were about to spiral out of control at any moment, and he sat up to inspect it. The door swung open to reveal Max's back, and the now unmuffled argument. “And sittin’ in here won't do him any harm! You're dragging me out of here next time.” Great. He was arguing with Gustave the moment he had walked out the door. Sighing, he laid back down and tried to get comfortable.

“If you're staying here, do not yell at Gustave. He's doing what he needs to. And how about just don't yell in general, hm?” Ryad instructed him as the other got closer, apparently debating for a minute if he should pull up the stool or just climb right into the bed. Max of course just chose the latter, and didn't seem to have any boundaries or indication of taking things slow. He was there for the moment and didn't care for progression.

“Yeah, yeah whatever. He's got something out for me I bet.” Ryad couldn't help but roll his eyes as Max scooted up next to him, laying next to his side and trying to fit perfectly against him. He was so  _ small.  _ Part of Ryad thought he could crush him by accident, but the other part just… simply enjoyed it. It looked to be about a foot difference in their heights. He turned onto his side, groaning a little bit thanks to how sore he was, but pulled him in and put his head on the top of Max's head. This feeling of warmth just absolutely flooded him. Nothing could top it. Despite them both being trained in the art of war, holding him this close made him feel innocent again. Like nothing bad had ever happened to him.

“No,  _ mi rey.  _ He is just harsh to you for not listening.” Ryad’s voice was soft and muffled by his hair. “Perhaps listen to him, and he'll give you the respect you want, hm?” As he spoke, he could feel the stiffness in Max's hair. It felt like he used either gel or hairspray to keep it pushed back. How it took him this long to notice, he didn't know, but his first thought was to take his hand and try to brush it out. He kept running his hands through, starting to feel the strands of hair start to give in and become pliable again.

“What’re ya doin’?” Max mumbled, trying to look up as if he could see the top of his head. The only sight he got was Ryad with a dopey smile, his brown eyes focused solely on Max's hair. “It takes me awhile to get my hair like this y'know!” He sounded slightly disgruntled but not completely mad, and he wasn't trying to get him to stop so Ryad continued to play with it.

“You have such beautiful hair… Don't restrict it with whatever you put in it.” He ran his hand through it fully, trying to get it to become as loose and messy as possible.

“I'll do what I want with it. If I wanna have it all crispy with hairspray and gel, damnit I'll do it like that!” Max whined loudly as he realized it was all purposeful, and that Ryad didn't particularly care for it. No matter, it was completely sabotaged by the Spaniards hands and he was loving it.

“You're distracting me from my rest… I should be able to do what I want in return, hm?” Ryad placed his hand on Max's cheeks, running it down to his jawline to cup his chin. The other's face went completely red, but he didn't act flustered one bit. He instead threw the taunting flirts back at him.

“I'm distractin’ you? I can just easily leave ya in here and let Doc keep ya better company.” His face was plastered with a shit eating grin. Max started backing up a bit, but Ryad pulled him back in with a tight grip. A small sign to show that he wasn't going to let him escape so easily.

“You've always been a distraction to me. Who says being focused is fun, hm?” Ryad rebutted, causing Max to pout  _ ever  _ so slightly. With his hair all ruffled and his face red, he looked absolutely adorable like this. Ryad couldn't help himself and quickly pecked him on the lips, with Max trying to chase after him for more. He chuckled with his eagerness and eventually gave in, the infirmary bed becoming a tangled mess of kissing and snickering.

Ryad felt… invigorated

_ An odd turn of events. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the wait! i ran into a bit of a block, so i decided to just use a bit of fluff for now. it's a bit shorter, but we're almost done now! just got a few more points i want to hit


	10. Hammer to Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Here we stand or here we fall.  
>  History won't care at all._

In the weeks that Ryad had to recover he noticed a lot of things. New things, like how Max was easily flustered if Ryad tried any displays of affection in front of the others. And old things, like how old  _ he  _ was and his body wasn't as forgiving as it once was. Gustave told him that he’d have a permanent scar on his chest from where the bullet hit, but otherwise there shouldn’t be any permanent damage.

He wasn’t allowed any strenuous workouts for a while, but honestly? The day Gustave released him, Ryad went ahead and did his normal workout. There was no way he was going to let himself get out of shape more than he already was. While he was bedridden, Max kept him company just about every day, bringing him treats... and much to his dismay, books as well. Ryad had to keep himself busy, and staring at his phone all day wasn’t really something he enjoyed.

* * *

_ “C’mon… reading? There’s gotta be something more interesting you can do.” _

_ “When I’m stuck in bed like this? Not particularly.” Ryad ignored Max pulling on his arm as he turned a page, giving him the side eye. “Besides, I usually do this when I’m stuck up at night.” The two had become comfortable with so much, explaining just about everything over the course of the past few weeks. _

_ “Just wishin’ we could do something else. Crikey, I love spending time with ya but I want to do shit with ya.” Max groaned, pushing a hand up Ryad’s shirt and just resting it there. “No strenuous exercise my ass. He should've just said no moving from bed.” Rolling his eyes, Ryad turned another page. “Can't we just say fuck it for a little bit ‘n ignore Doc?” _

_ Putting his book down, Ryad sighed and put his hand under Max’s chin and ran his thumb across his jawline, messing with the scraggly mess of his beard. If it could even be called such a thing. Doing that always got him to shut up, and would make him actually listen to what he was saying. “I am going to listen to him until I'm back on my feet. You will survive a few more days.” And immediately he went in for a kiss on Max's forehead. It caused the Aussie to shrink up and cool down, now just gently running his hand across Ryad’s chest. _

_ “...Fine.” _

* * *

Ryad smiled remembering the times they spent together, feeling a little tug in his heart. Max was out on a shorter operation, leaving him to his own devices. But it wasn't a particularly bad thing, with how much time they had spent with each other in the previous weeks. It gave him time to focus on himself, and finally work out without Max practically drooling over him. Again, not that he minded it. Just sometimes being alone was exactly what Ryad needed.

Towel over his shoulder and donned in a black tank top and gray sweats, he made his way to the weight room. He had been doing better with his medicine, only forgetting a few times so far. It took a few hours to fully kick in, but when they did… they knocked him out cold. Ryad was really starting to notice the difference in his energy levels, and for the first time in ages felt productive.

Arriving in the weight room, he gave a small wave to Olivier. The two had become close friends over both of their times in Rainbow. The other seemed absolutely beat, but gave a wave in return before going back to what he was doing. He was packing up his things and wiping the sweat off his brow. Looked like Ryad would have the room to himself for a bit. It'd give him ample opportunity to explore his own mind in a different environment, instead of the same boring walls of his room. The only time he was excited to be in there was when Max was with him.

Making his way over to the dumbbells, he grabbed a decent sized one. About forty pounds for now. He sat down on one of the small benches and just started mindlessly doing bicep curls. It was his chance to let his mind wander. There was so much that had happened in the past few weeks, apart from him recovering. His mind just needed a break. When he was alone his thoughts traveled to Faisal. It was always something that happened without him noticing, his mind would vaguely think of him and then suddenly he was in a spiral downhill. This was no exception.

His grip tightened around the dumbbell as he was flooded with thoughts and memories of weeks prior.  _ It's not him. Just my mind.  _ Ryad tried his hardest to drill what both Harry and Gustave told him into his head. But there was always that doubt that seemed to seep into his brain, trying to knock down his walls that he built in trying to move on.  _ I haven't given up on you, Faisal. I want you to know that.  _ As if he could hear his thoughts, he pleaded with his brother.  _ But I am important, too.  _ He didn't even realize that he was still mindlessly doing his curls. “I am important, too.” Mumbling to himself was the best thing he could do right now, trying to drill it into his head. This was much easier to deal with when he was distracted, but was it really dealing with his problems? All he would be doing is hiding them, throwing them under the bed until nothing more could fit. He had been doing better, with Max mentioning topics lightly every so often, discussing possible things he could do. It just made him think about all four of them meeting and finally discussing this mess. And maybe put a halt to his termination. It'd be a long talk, but Max, Gustave, and Harry cared enough to put this much time and effort into him, so he was willing to comply.

Blinking a couple of times, almost as a way to reset his mind, Ryad took his dumbbell and swapped arms. Everything would soon have an answer, something he had been searching for for years.

* * *

The day had finally come, and Ryad couldn't be any more unprepared. Harry and Gustave wanted them to meet early in the morning, and emphasized that he be  _ well rested.  _ Sure, he could show up at that time, but along with getting good sleep? He still was trying to figure out his sleep schedule with his medication. But he managed it, just barely waking up with enough time to get ready. Well, for both of them at least.

Getting Max up in the morning was like ripping a child out of bed for school. He had thought that allowing him to sleep in his room for the night would help, but it was far from that. The man was sprawled across Ryad’s chest, snoring away in nothing but his boxers. Gently shaking him did nothing, and even increasingly more aggressive shakes did nothing. Only once he pushed the Australian off him did he finally start making grumpy sounds. “Oi… mm… where'd ya go?” Opening a single eye to just a slit and reaching his hand up for the other, Ryad just looked down at him and sighed.

“Get up.” Was all he said, turning his back to the other. There were small protests and whines from the bed, but he seemed to at least remember what today was. “I will drag you to this meeting if I have to.” Slowly but surely Max made his way to the edge of the bed and sat there, staring ahead at the Spaniard as he started to get dressed. He whistled under his breath, causing Ryad to turn his head and raise a brow.

“Nice ass. Wishin’ I could have this sight every mornin’.” All Ryad could do was scoff at him. “What? It's  _ fantastic _ , and you need to flaunt it more. To me. Not someone else, just to clarify.” Even when he was trying to be raunchy or just flirt the man could never shut up. “You should let me stay the night more often, ya know?”

“If you keep going on like this, you'll be spending more nights in your room. Alone.” Max was a bit confused on where the sudden hostility came from, and just stared at him. Ryad stopped what he was doing and went to kiss Max on the cheek. “Sorry.” Anxiety was climbing up and shooting through his body, starting to dread this whole meeting. The last thing he wanted to do was take it out on his partner. “I'm just not feeling well right now.” That was enough for Max to understand to tone it down. The two normally would be teasing and taunting each other constantly, but they were mature enough to know when to stop.

“Hey, it'll be alright. This is supposed to clear everything up, and get ya on the path to recovery. Now if that's not something to be excited about, you'll see soon enough.”

* * *

The four of them had met up in Harry’s office at around eight in the morning. Ryad’s anxiety grew exponentially as they began to sit down. Him and Max were offered the couch, while Harry sat at his desk and Gustave had pulled up a chair. Everything in his office was pristine… better than your average person. Not to mention the quality of everything. He guessed those were the benefits of being called Six.

Max was already struggling to get comfortable, and he was pretty sure everyone could tell. Pacing would've been more comfy. He was moving his legs every which way. He tried crossing them, but that didn't feel right. Then he tried just letting them be, but he could feel himself tapping his foot already. Manspreading? No, that just wasn't polite. Before he knew it, Ryad just patted his outer thigh and started rubbing it gently. Max tried to focus on that instead of how uncomfortable sitting still was.

Little did he know, the gentle motion was more for Ryad to try and calm himself down. He knew he was going to be on a roller coaster, and he knew himself well enough to know he wouldn't have been able to even agree to this meeting without Max. Hell, he'd probably be back in Spain if it wasn't for him.

“Finally! I'm glad we all finally get to talk. I apologize for taking so long.” Harry began and put his hands together on his desk. “Where to begin?” Ryad normally kept composed, but the anxiety of knowing what was ahead of him mentally was… overwhelming. He ended up squeezing Max’s thigh, who in return just placed his hand on the other’s. “I think this alone shows your ability to adapt and face your fears. Really, it's an act of bravery that often goes under appreciated.” He flashed them both a gentle smile, before throwing in a little jab. “Now if you could get Mike to realize the same, my job would be a lot easier.” Harry laughed, and Ryad had to as well. He knew Mike well enough, and he probably could benefit with a bit of this.

“Ah, if I could that would probably put a lot of ease on everyone. But he's too stubborn for his own good.” Ryad thought about maybe recommending that, but he wasn't entirely sure how the other would take it.

“He'd probably take it as an insult! Good ol’ Maggie needin’ help? God forbid!” They all shared one more laugh with Max’s input.

Once the initial joke died down. the uncomfortable atmosphere grabbed hold of them again. “Anyways, enough about Mike. We're here for you, Ryad.” Both Gustave and Harry’s eyes rested on him, and he couldn't tell if it was a look of pity or concern. Everything was putting him on edge with this. At least his meetings with Gustave alone didn't feel as… formal. But with your boss also being your psychologist? It wasn't comfortable. “Gustave kept me informed of your meetings, so I think I have a better understanding of your mind. Things may get… uncomfortable. If they do, let me know and we can take a break. I just want to have a complete grasp.”

All Ryad could do was nod, feeling his throat tighten up. Max moved his leg free from his grasp, and he noted he must have been squeezing it without realizing it. “Ya might want this instead.” The Australian whispered under his breath, and slid his hand underneath his partner's. Immediately Ryad gave it a good squeeze before lightening up.

“If you're all prepared… Shall we get started?”

* * *

Everything went… significantly better than Ryad had thought. His expectations were so low, but perhaps that was for the better. There was not an ounce of enjoyment in their session, but it was progress. Some questions Harry asked had stalled Ryad, and he actually had to think long and hard for an answer. Others nearly broke him, and without Max there he probably would have lost it. He didn't enjoy being vulnerable around anyone, let alone people who he had to see on almost a daily basis.

It's what had to be done.

Max and Ryad were allowed out of the office first. The Spaniard suddenly felt his age, if not older. He slowly stood up, feeling his body creak and crack as he moved. The other stayed right by his side, trying not to stray too far away from him after seeing all that had happened. Instantly once the door closed, Max tried to reach up to kiss Ryad. “‘Ey, you did alright. Wasn't so bad was it?”

“My head kills.” His voice was flat with his face deadpanned.

“We skipped out on brekky, so that might be why. On top of y'know, being on the verge of tears for an hour.” An elbow jutted back and hit Max in the gut. “Okay, okay! I won't poke fun. But ya better keep in mind what they said.” There was no way it would leave his mind.  _ Running away isn't the answer, but neither is dedicating your life to one single goal. Something will go awry, and everything you've built up will tumble down. It seems you're bordering that point, if not long since fallen.  _

Harry had compared his obsession to the Great Gatsby, one of Ryad’s favorites out of all he had read. Jay’s chasing of Daisy, that continued for years after they met. It was blindly chasing after something that had changed so much, to the point where it wasn't feasible to continue to go after anymore. And yet Jay would still chase after it, until he ended up dead in the heart of his own wealth.

Ryad couldn't help but shudder as he compared himself with Jay. But it was a painfully accurate comparison that shook him to his core. Perhaps there was nothing he could do about the guilt eating at him for now, but over time he could learn from it instead of letting it control him. Blindly he reached out for Max’s hand, needing something to ground him before his thoughts continued to spiral. “You good?” Max asked, despite knowing damn well he wasn't. Not when he was desperate to grab him like that.

“Let us just head to my room. Talking to others is just going to… piss me off more, hm?”

“We need to get food first. Ain't healthy for you to skip meals.” Max insisted, and started trying to lead the taller man. “Just do your normal thing with ‘em and be a wall to talk to.” Another light jab, but this time Ryad couldn't argue. He was right on that, but it wasn't something he minded too much.

Once they reached the dining hall, Ryad sat down in his normal seat. It was nearing lunch time according to the clock, and he wouldn't have been able to tell. The flow of time was still an enigma to him, and he was sure it would take years for his internal clock to finally fix itself. “Turkey sandwich, per usual?” Ryad gave a small grunt of approval. He didn't vary up his lunches too often- not like they really could with what was offered at base. Especially if they didn't want to run out and get something. And since Max made food for him for a few weeks… he knew what he would and wouldn't eat without asking. But Ryad shoved some manners into him during that same time as well.

The sandwich was done, and Max came over with his own PB&J as well. Ryad poked at the sandwich, eating it with small bites. Apparently his partner had been staring at him, which wasn't surprising at this point. All he did was raise an eyebrow at him, and the other began to explain himself. “I'm gettin’ serious deja vú… It was when I first started tryna flirt with ya. You were dense as a brick, flirtin’ with me first and then never doin’ it again.” Max lowered his voice a bit, eyeing the people around. As if they didn't know already.

“You're acting like this was years ago… And I don't recall flirting with you. You just kept wanting to be near me for whatever reason.”

“Nono, you're forgetting something! After we did our lil’ fight, you went all in like ya were about to kiss me! That was such an obvious flirt, and I loved how it felt. I had to go for ya.” The look Ryad gave him made Max purse his lips. “What? Don't look all confused at me, ya know what ya did.”

“I… do not remember trying to kiss you.” He was really racking his brain, but he was sure of the scene he referred to and that… wasn't the intention.

“C’mon now!” Max seemed to let go of his initial worry of volume, or just forget about it entirely. “...or are you telling me that you didn't realize that was you makin’ a move on me?” Leaning back in his chair, he had the biggest shit eating grin on his face. “Didn't know you were  _ that _ inexperienced, Ryad.”

Putting his hand flat on the table, he put his sandwich down and stared back at him. Max was right, but there was no way he was going to end up admitting it. The two stared at each other for a long while, before Ryad leaned over the table, grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him in for one quick kiss. He pulled back slightly at first, only by a few centimeters. “Shut up.” The Spaniard rumbled, before letting go and sitting down, going back to like nothing happened. It was an easy way to win the argument. That little scene left Max completely red and speechless, before he ended up slumping forward onto the table, arms crossed and head partially buried. Only his blue eyes were showing, and they were glaring up at Ryad.

An easily won argument.

* * *

Weeks had passed since that meeting, and Max had taken it upon himself to be Ryad’s personal alarm clock. It was to make sure his sleep became more consistent, but also for other things. To take his meds, go to the gym, and just make sure he was focusing on his own health. Right then and there, Max reminded him about his pills. The two were already cuddling at the desk in Ryad's room, with Max sitting on his lap, chests pressed together and his chin resting on his shoulder as he scrolled through his own phone.

“Did you put them back on the desk?” The Australian tried to crane his neck around to look, but Ryad just grabbed them and jingled the pills in the bottle.

“All here.” Putting his pen down, he quickly opened the bottle and grabbed the two he needed, before swallowing and putting them back in the same spot. It never made him happy to take them, but Max on the other hand was beyond ecstatic when he would. He gave him multiple kisses on the neck, his mustache giving him that familiar ticklish feeling.

“‘M proud of you.” Max mumbled into his neck, before tossing his phone onto the bed in front of him and tightening his grip around Ryad instead. “Gonna take a pre sleep nap. Don't be afraid to wake me when you're gettin’ ready.” The other didn't respond, and instead put his focus back onto the piece of paper in front of him. It was almost done… he just needed to read it.

_ Faisal, _

_ You've probably been watching me for all these years. You've seen my successes, you've seen my failures. I'm not sure if you'd approve of some of my actions, but there's no going back to fix them. For years, every move I made was always leading me towards the goal of… you. Not a day goes by where I don't think about that night. But the way I react has improved. I've come to accept that… I am not perfect. I can't win at everything I do. I can try, but I cannot dedicate my life to it. _

_ It pains me to say this, or even read it, but I am calling my hunt finished. Incomplete, as you will. But it is not a failure. No, far from it. You will remain an enigma to me, but perhaps that is for the better. I just hope your spirit continues to rest easy. I have done everything I can, it's just time to throw in the gauntlet. _

_ You've taught me a lot, even if you're not right next to me. And I cannot thank you enough. I love you, Faisal. We'll meet again soon. _

_ -Ryad Ramírez Al-Hassar _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am... unhappy with this ending. but this needed to get finished, so i tried leaving it open so if i ever want to come back and either add on or redo it it's completely viable. anyways, the next chapter is an authors note!


	11. Authors Note

Thank you so much for reading through all this and going on this ride with me! I've been writing for years and I don't recall  _ ever _ having finished an entire multi chapter fic. It's momentous for me, and the support I got from all of you is amazing! Honestly with how obscure the ship is, I definitely wasn't expecting much. It was originally just going to be a self indulgent fic that I didn't expect would get much traction. But to me, over five hundred hits is phenomenal. I love all of you who read and commented, which gave me motivation to keep on writing. I can only hope there'll be more people like me who enjoyed the ship and decided to create content. Or who just want to give attention to the more underrated characters of Siege. I've truly put my heart and soul into these two, and plan to continue to write them.

I've been trying to be more active on tumblr @ subsonicspeeds, and have been writing some shorter drabbles and taking requests there. Just to practice. I've also got a handful of other fics in mind, and while they may not be as long as this one, they'll be more coherent and hopefully more interesting.

Thank you, and hopefully we will see each other again. :)

-mel


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